When I was very little and people asked my what I wanted to be when I grew up, I responded, "Tall."  When I got a little older, though, my answer became, "Happy."  When I grow up, I want to be happy.  At the age of 31, I'm not beginning to realize what a lofty goal I set for myself.  You see, when we want to be something we have to do the work to become that thing.  Happiness does take work.  It takes work every second of every day to be happy.

I confess that I do not feel that I've been happy for any significant portion of my life.  I will also confess that I believe that is largely my fault, although I did not always realize it.  I was physically and mentally abused as a child and it would be a long time before I realize that wasn't my fault.  My teenage years were filled with struggles and tragedies for which I felt I had no support system to help me cope.  In my twenties, I felt confused and directionless, as well as completely derailed by a 5 year battle with an incurable disease.

I have always been interested in self improvement, however.  At various times I've done yoga, practiced mediation, trained to run a 5k, learned everything I could about self sufficient living. I think I've maintained the subconscious desire to Be Happy without realizing it.  When I got to the end of my twenties I had somewhat of a spiritual awakening. I had ended a 2.5 year emotionally abusive relationship and found myself single for the first time.  It was the first chance I'd really had to take stock and I was shocked at the state of my own life.

I also learned a lot from that period of my life, about what freedom of choice really means.  I wasn't happy, clearly, but I could choose to be happy if I wanted to.  I could change the things in my life that were dragging me down.  I started by going back to school, which led me to having to learn about money -- What it really represented in terms if happiness, what to do with it, and what not to do with it.  Over the last 4 years I've completed the prerequisites for a medical program, applied, and have been accepted; saved $30,000 for my educational expenses; learned to stand up for myself; and truly fell in love for the first time.

Recently I checked out an ebook from the library called The Happiness Project.  It's the autobiographical story of a woman's project to spend a year trying to find more happiness in her life, both extrinsically and intrinsically.  I have been so inspired by it that I bought the ebook to read again so I could take notes on all of the things that inspired me.  Today I wrote down all of my various notes and now I just need to organize my own Happiness Project so I can get started!

I'm a bit intimidated by the idea of making such a concentrated effort to be happier.  Right now my mental state is not great. I'm exhausted all of the time. I hate my job and fantasize daily about quitting.  I'm unhappy with my physical condition and overwhelmed by all the work I have in my job and all the work that will come from starting school this fall.  Despite all of that, I feel like now is the perfect time.  Now I need this more than ever.  Wish me luck!